Thinking Of You
by xAurelianax
Summary: Set during New Moon. After the Cullens leave Bella can't move on or forget, she feels guilty for thinking of Edward while spending time with Jacob. No happy ending here .


**A/N: I own nothing, this is just for the hell of it. If your looking for a happy ending you won't find one here, sorry *hides* **

_**Comparisons are easily done  
Once you've had a taste of perfection,**_

I looked up into Jacob's dark brown eyes, and thought of the ochre shade that I missed so much. I ran my finger tips over the beautiful russet coloured skin of his face and couldn't help but think of the pale, wintery skin I longed to touch again. I felt the warmth of his skin from the hand wrapped securely around mine, I wished for the cold, icy touch of my vampire.

_**You said move on,  
Where do I go,**_

I thought of the last day I saw him, the day he left me forever. His cool, hard eyes, the emotionless mask he had worn, the outrageously stupid promise he had made: _'It will be as if I'd never existed'_.

The memories ripped the jagged hole in my chest wide open, all my pain and longing washing over me, crippling my body with its intensity.

_**Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you,  
Thinking of you,**_

I gripped the hand holding mine tighter, listened to his voice telling me how he knew how hurt, how _damaged_, Edward had left me, and that he would never hurt me like that. I wished more than anything that it was Edward, not Jacob, telling me these things, telling me it had all been a mistake and that he still loved me; that he was coming home. I looked into Jacob's eyes, feeling the guilt of the moment swallow me.

_**Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into your eyes,**_

How could I do this to Jacob? I knew how he felt, but I could never return those feelings because whether we liked it or not I was still hopelessly, painfully and cripplingly in love with Edward.

_**How do I get better  
Once I've had the best,**_

Jacob saw the pain written clearly across my face, the hurt etched deeply in my chocolate brown eyes, and pulled me into his almost too warm chest, cradling me as I cried for myself, for Jacob, for my vampire and his family that were never coming back.

_**He pulled me in  
I was disgusted with myself,**_

I pulled back looking again into my best friend's eyes, wishing I could love him like he wanted, like he deserved; like I loved Edward.

I looked down to my bed where we sat, thinking of the times Edward had held me in his icy, granite like arms and cautiously kissed me before pulling back with my favourite crooked smile playing on his lips. My heart seemed to clench tightly in my chest.

How much I wished that he was here now, instead of Jacob. With that thought I pushed myself away from my best friend and stood, I walked over to the window, keeping my back to him. "Jake, I think you should go."

_**What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night,**_

"Bells, what are y—?"

"Get out!" I yelled, tears burning in my eyes, clouding my vision. "Just leave!"

"But I—" His voice coloured with hurt.

"Please Jake, just go..." I turned round to face him, I felt as though a knife was twisting in my gut when I saw the pain and rejection in his expression. "I can't give you what you want..."

He began walking towards me; I raised a hand, telling him to stop. "Go." The finality of my tone made him to pause.

"If that's what you want..." He sounded lost, defeated.

"Go..." I whispered, and before I had time to blink he disappeared.

_**I touched it, I was burned,  
Oh I think you should know,**_

I didn't consciously think about what I was doing as I looked down at my truck through the window and then made my way across my room to the door.

Before I knew it my beat up old Chevy was turning on to the overgrown drive that led to my destination. I didn't bother to wonder how I had got here without noticing the trip; blank spots were a common occurrence for me now.

The forest had claimed back to previously clear route, but I forced my truck to amble onwards, desperation clouding my mind.

_****_

What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night,

I stared up at the big, white house. My breath coming in short bursts, the whole in my chest scratching painfully. Shaking myself, I climbed out of my truck and ran full-out towards the house, refusing to think. I ran up the steps to the porch, and threw the unlocked door open.

I froze in the doorway, taking in the sight and smell of the clearly abandoned house.

I walked stiffly into the room, and went over to Edward's piano. I ran my fingers over the smooth surface, it was covered in dust. Sitting on the seat where I had once sat with Edward, watching his long, sure fingers play out my lullaby; I traced the ivory keys lovingly.

_**Oh won't you walk through  
And bust in the door  
And take me away,  
Oh no more mistakes,  
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...**_

_**Stay...**_

I thought of his stunning eyes, of the beautiful planes of his face, of his cold, strong, rock-hard body pressed up against mine through the duvet at night.

My fingers wrapped tightly around Charlie's gun, feeling the cool metal in my hands. I pulled it upwards towards my head, thinking only of my vampire.

"Bella? What are you doing here?"

I savoured the sound of his velvet smooth voice, smiling at my hallucination. "I missed you."

I pulled the trigger without fear or sadness, my last ever thought on Edward Cullen.

**Endnotes: I have no idea where this came from, it just sort of popped into my head while writing another fic. I am in no way saying I think Bella should have killed herself when the Cullens left, suicide is a very serious issue. Anyway thanks for reading, please review =] xxx**


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